Confessions of a teenage nobody.

My sexy gloves

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 22:15:44 GMT

Yesterday I was bored. Today I will probably be bored later. But right now I am

happy. A woman just told me that I am the most beautiful person she has ever seen, and she took a picture of me. Awe, I'm gorgeous.

Har dee har har.

Last night I dreamt about Gavin and Taylor. Dreaming about Gavin made me come to a realization that I miss him, and no matter how much he doesnt miss me I will still always feel the same about him as I have since forever.

But I will try my hardest not to think about him today. Today I'm going to clean, I am going to watch TV and I am not going to whine about my dad once.

Not once.

Well...Maybe just once.

School

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 20:14:00 GMT

At AHS. Having a jolly good time.

Uhm hum....I guess thats all thats going on.

Snow

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 21:47:37 GMT

Today Taylor and I played in the snow.

Yesterday, we went scootering.

Woo and hoo.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 17:55:10 GMT

Sigh. I havent been to school in so long. I suppose I'll go and visit Taylor. I have nothing to say. I never have anything to say. Ever.

Which makes me wonder yet again how people tolerate me. I try to talk as much as possible to make up for all of the times I couldnt think of the right thing to say. It doesnt work. It just makes me annoying. And if possible

stupider.

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 06:43:35 GMT

A serious post.

I've been getting these headaches that just happen in what feels like my left eye socket. And it's painful! And they go away pretty fast and I thought it was the flourescent lighting at Dylans, but it did it in the shower today. Maybe I got something in it, or maybe it's a reaction to the new brown eyeliner or something. Who knows what it is, and I might go have it checked out, but for the first time ever, I'm terrified it has something to do with my heavy smoking. I've been thinking about going to the doctor to have it checked, but I don't want to know anything if it's a bad something because I'm finally on my feet again, and I don't want to have to admit that I'm still smoking when I definitely told my mom that I'm not.

But what do I do, right? I love to smoke. And I love to eat. I love the two things I need to just STOP doing. I'm unhealthy as hell and need to fix it and I think I might, especially because I feel sluggish all the time and cringe in the shower. I'm not really that insecure, but I when feel like I could do something better than I'm doing it, I get upset.

In all sincerity I'm nervous, but not scared. I don't know. After all that proposed suicide, I know now that I don't want to die.

I don't want to die.

Last night

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 02:33:45 GMT

Ah, the night started out beautifully, only with a few abrupt stops, but most of the time Taylor and I were sitting, talking about nothing. My feet were fucking cold though.

Near the end of the night I began to feel kind of bored. Lucky to have shoes. Ah but then new years struck and for one minute no one cares about anyone and it doesnt matter that we're downtown past curfew, all that matters is that its a new year, and its time for new beginnings.

I'm not sure if mine has started yet.

Copy and paste from a conversation I had with Brendan

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 09:18:04 GMT

I was unaware, when I entered 2004, that it came fully equipped with screeching brakes. I mean, shouldn't I have been warned? I think I'll sue.

I made it through Christmas, but only with psychological Bumpers. I do believe that I will always live inside of my very own mental rear-view mirror.

Something in me makes me think my plans for New Years will fall through. I mean, it's my fault, though. I don't think my phone has rung in about a week without it being an immediate family member. Friday night, I'll sit on the couch with a cookie (or a thousand cookies) and watch the fireworks and all the beautiful people partying on TV, alone, on my couch, alone.

And the ball will be dropping on New York City, the water at Navy Pier will temporarily hold more color and glamour than a rainbow ever could, and I'll be at home, at home with my typewriter, at home, I'll be at home.

Snow snow go away

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 03:13:52 GMT

I am happy right now, fa la la dee la dee da.

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 03:15:48 GMT

I've been reading over a lot of my entries from the beginning of the year, entries that I had forgotten about, but that bring back shocking amounts of emotion. Right now I have this bitter sense of life, but then I was so in love with life and saw such a potential in it, and was mourning my misery because I felt like I was cheating someone out of a good day when I was sad.

I have made it very far in the past year, and yeah, I'm still here and still kicking through it all. I'm not very sure when it's going to crash down on my head again, and I'm not sure when I'll have the heart to shave my legs and put on a skirt and make attempts to love someone, but for now, I'm doing alright.

I think I miss Gavin. Bah, humbug.

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 07:34:59 GMT

Today was uneventful, but colorful nonetheless.

Whatever happened to Gavin?

And then.

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 04:06:08 GMT

Again we are deluded and infer
that somehow we are younger than we were.

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 22:08:57 GMT

In reflection of the huge decisions and monumental changes I've made in the past few weeks, I'm overwhelmed with satisfaction. I'm happy to be home, and I'm not gonna let myself question my decision just because things inside of me are a little torn up. He's gone, I need to accept that and leave it behind me. And I will. I'm gonna be happy, despite the circumstances, and I'm gonna persevere until I get my way. I say, "I just want my freedom back." and then I realize that I'm the one who chained myself in the first place.

I want this to change and it will. It will because it can. It will because I want it to. It will because I say it will. Now that I'm back under a blue sky, there's really no reason for me to be looking down at my feet.

I will fight for this.

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 18:23:13 GMT

My entire life is changing for the better. And I still can't seem to get past all the hurting that's going on lately. I mean, things are looking great for everyone, and my book is coming along nicely, and I have stanzas and revelations and doctrines oozing out of my fingers, but I am so alone, and I am so scared for those who are alone, that I can barely sleep without dreaming of death. The other night I had a dream about seeing my very own book on a shelf in England, and that's become my goal.

My blood is running hot and heavy in my body. I'm torn with decisions I shouldn't have to make, and I can't seem to find the courage in me to talk to anyone about them. I'm hoping it was just the espresso that brought these things to mind. I've been having lucid dreams, where I know I'm dreaming while I'm dreaming but I can't wake myself up completely. In the past these dreams have been terrifying, but tonight I saw a vision of myself in a bookstore in London, picking up a book like it was a final piece to a puzzle, bells were ringing in my head, it had my name on it, and life was beautiful, life is beautiful, now that I am awake.

I believe that I can speak without a voice, without pen, without a melody, oh, and I hope that someday they will look back at my journals and make conclusions about my personalities and be wrong, oh, my lives are skewed and so are these passages, and so is my income, and so are the therapists.

For example, they'll look back at this and say,
"Oh, she was a skizophrenic, and she loved to freewrite."

Back in the real world.

Sat, 04 Dec 2004 03:24:08 GMT

I was napped, like a small child lost in a supermarket. And here I am, left alone, like a christmas tree on the curb the very day after christmas, tinsle still clinging to me.

Back in LA, I will hopefully be backk soon, and I just want to say I'm sorry for not saying goodbye, but I was LITERALLY kidnapped.

Love you all.

Neener neener neener

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 01:30:43 GMT

God, have I wasted myself. I mean, sometimes I look in the mirror and see only a fifth of a person. And I'm so lonely I could just crawl inside myself and rot my own insides. I feel more used than I ever have before, more hurt than I could possibly explain here. The way I come out so willingly at night, it seems like the stars are turning red and laughing at me.

And here I am

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 00:27:16 GMT

Oh, sweet boredom, why must you always lead me into the depths of the library?

Beacause youre a bitch you say? Speaking of bitches...

I hate you, Michael.

Raaaaaarrrrr

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 19:14:06 GMT

Yesterday I was. Today I'm not really being. Today I'm a lump in a computer chair with fire-at-will typing skills and a lot of emotional baggage. I try really hard not to talk to people about my sense of being, or the lack thereof, not in person. I mean. Everyone around me knows how I am. There's really no reason to let them know verbally that I'm crazy. They know.

This is how I feel.

a, gnbjkxvhoj bdshgbfhkjn fjkn hbljkch nkjvfcnhjb nh iufgnhbognfhnfvhkjfnbhlnlfdhnlgkflkfgnhlkfnh.

I fear another breakdown,
Loss in large doses, I
Escaped the rapture,
You can't save me this time,

living is chilling,
you freezerbox, you
silenced siren.

I fear that I will awaken
at last to the laughter
of the sun as it rises.

This morning it was hard to get up. For the first time all week I didn't have a single nightmare! Oh, the irony. I'll find someone better, I'm sure. I mean, that's what they tell me anyway.

They say a lot, don't they? Yes, yes they do.

For a few months there I was okay. My mood changes so often, but I had learned to internalize it, to hide it, for fear of losing the ones I still had to take care of. Then it came, raking up hair and skin and fingernails, crashing down on top of me, I will always be crazy.

It goes away when I have someone around me. It's looming, it is, in the clouds. When it rains, it's only visible to me. Sometimes, though, I'm not bipolar. No, I'm not polar at all. I am constant and everything else is shifting.

Then there are days when I'm five different people. Today I am not going to be left alone. I'm going to go shopping with anyone and be normal, draping bags across my arms. I am going to be happy. I am going to be with someone. I am going to

be.

Selected naturally

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 05:09:32 GMT

Do you wake up with eyes that change depending on the weather?
Is that the constant on which you base your scheming?
You travel, you travel, you travel, while you lie there next to me.

Today seemed promising. I am overflowing with words. A personal evolution. They say I'm losing my bearings.

I had a dream last night, that I was with everyone....Well, everyone that meant something to me, and we all lived together in a strange castle that built itself, and Adrian was a bartender, and he made Gavin and I white russians, even though Gavin doesnt drink, we still drank them. And then Gavin told me a joke about a flying car, and I laughed, and we kept drinking.

I came to the conclusion that I miss everyone, because I'm alone ALL the time.

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 02:48:58 GMT

Forget my last entry, I'm not even sure whats going on anymore. I might see you all tomorrow, but I cant type now, I'm not supposed to be on the computer.

It's like being held captive in the one place im allowed to be free.

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 05:27:25 GMT

Ahoy, whoever reads this (and attends school with me) I will not be showing up at school ever again, my transfer was revoked so I will be going to Phoenix High School, I am also grounded until January, so I wont be recieveing any personal phonecalls, able to use the internet, or see anyone until that point in time. I also have no cell phone, it will be useless to comment on this, becuase I cant recieve e-mails. If any of you see Gavin, tell him where I am at.

I love you all, see you next year.

School!

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 16:31:48 GMT

Sigh, sigh, apple pie. In school...Learning about syphilis (among other STD's), it is actually kind of interesting, in a gross health class kind fo way.

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 04:25:22 GMT

I think I'm just going to try to be alone for awhile.

Blood isnt bad, ah, the beautiful color red.

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 02:01:09 GMT

Today was a goode day, it was perfect in fact. Well, Breanna kind of humiliated me.

Heres hte thing (mushroom slang) I was standing, talking with Bean, adn Lo, and Brendan and Breanna walks up. My sleeve somehow made it way up my arm (that sneaky thing) and Breanna touches my arm and states dryly "Jade...WHat the fuck."

Does she think I'm bad. I'm not sure what to say. I dont think cutting yourself is bad, how can something that makes you feel so much better so....Released, be bad?

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 06:58:43 GMT

Mikey got with Sharon, Sharon got Sheriee
She was sharin' Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar and Bobby was a racist
They were all in love dyin' they were doin' it in Texas
Tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain then he lost his leg in Dallas he was dancin' with the train
They were all in love with dyin' they were drinkin' from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche coming down the mountain

I can never listen to this song to much.

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 04:40:28 GMT

Neglect, sounds just about right. I'm feel strange today. Earlier I thought everything was miraculous, beautiful in fact. Things I see everyday are completely overlooked, it was nice to think about.

On the other hand I'm feeling kind of lonely right now...Winter, its just so terribly lonely. I'm not sure if I'm implying this towards anyone, I suppose I could. You can if you want.

On the brightside, for the first time in God knows how long, I can go to bed before midnight. I can't explain how ecstatic I really am. Seriously, so ecstatic I probably won't be able to sleep, but hell, I'll even settle for lying in bed with my head completely empty.

Well lately, my head's only partially empty. The only things left are a pair of key words and a few stillframes.